


Drowning in Moonlight

by Sarahlicity



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gallows Humor, TARDIS full of bras, seriously the man babies are ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 05:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11548209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahlicity/pseuds/Sarahlicity
Summary: A new regeneration brings up certain… problems for our intrepid heroine.





	Drowning in Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the spoof news article "Fictional Time Travellers Don’t Have Vaginas, Insist Morons", what if the Time Vortex really was just as sexist as the crying manbabies insist it is?

The Doctor was dying. After putting the change off for several months by that point, the Doctor was dying.

He didn’t want to change, at first. The Time Lords had given him a new batch of regenerations years ago on Trenzalore, and he was in no hurry to burn through them. And after having to wipe his own memories of Clara and seeing Bill die trying to protect him, he wanted something good to remember.

But then he met his older self. His _first_ self. Like him, he fought the Mondasian Cybermen. And like him, he died fighting them. And together, they helped to save Gallifrey. Limping to the console, he pushed the lever to send him and his TARDIS into the Time Vortex.

With his final breath, the Doctor said “If I must change, let’s make it a big one!”

Artron energy brighter than a thousand suns spilled from every cell in his body. The Cloister Bell rang louder than ever before. And after seconds that felt like an eternity, the Doctor with a new face and a new body opened his eyes.

Wait. _Her_ eyes.

“Oh, _that’s_ new.”

The TARDIS suddenly lurched, the lights around the console room turning a menacing shade of mauve.

“One of these days, I’ll learn not to take off while I’m regenerating! C'mon girl, what’s wrong?”, the Doctor said as she danced around the console trying to right the TARDIS’s trajectory. The TARDIS was having none of it, so she ran around to the screen to diagnose her lack of controls.

“What do you mean, “no men present”? Missy never had any problems piloting her own TARDIS! Oh, these bloody Type 40s!“

The Doctor’s anger was short-lived, though, as immediately as she uttered those words, the TARDIS’s costume room folded in on itself. Specifically, the underwear section. The TARDIS console room filled up with lingerie, suffocating the Doctor. She had enough air in her lungs for just a final eulogy of herself.

"Well, at least I’m going out as Carrie always wanted. Smart girl, she was.”

And so it was that the Doctor died. Not on the fields of Trenzalore, but in her own TARDIS, strangled by her own bras, because she forgot that the first rule of time travel is that you need a penis to pilot the TARDIS.


End file.
